Wednesday, November 30, 2011


And I'm not talking about my winter sweaters, although those are frequently unfolding as well these days. We had a very short mini blizzard today, much to my delight. I am one of those silly Canadians who actually loves snow. Winter is on its way. Hello, cross country skiing.

There has been some progression since our return from vacation, both on the adoption front and on the fertility treatment front. We have actually completed our home study at this point. Our lovely social worker Gretchen has been to our house twice since our trip and we were able to wrap things up this week. It's just as nerve wracking as some of you have described in your posts to have the adoption counselor come over to the house. It was 2 days after returning from Cuba, and one day after starting my new job. I was frantic, but also reached a point where I had to let it go because there were too many balls in the air at the same time. The house was clean enough.  She noted a few things we need to take care of before a child can come into our home like cover the outlets, deal with the blind cords, secure some of the bookcases to the wall, but otherwise, she didn't write us off on the basis of an unkempt domicile. We like Gretchen very much and feel like we are in good hands with her. The next steps in the adoption process, given that we've completed the home study and done the parent training is to register with the private agency we have chosen, as well as some licensees in the region. We are not quite ready to do that yet, given what is happening on the other front.

Mr. A was anxious about having kids for a while in the fall, but he assured me that this anxiety didn't mean he wanted to call the whole thing off. He was in a slump, something I can relate to since I have found myself in various depths of slumps at different points in my life, and with offending frequency in the last 3 years. I can't say that at the time I was completely reassured. Maybe because I am still in slump territory myself, maybe because it's hard to trust that good things will ever happen, or maybe because that doesn't negate all the work we still have to put in to hope to become parents, but, you know, I didn't jump for joy when he said that. I just took it in quietly and thought "ok, then we'll work on our options."

The funding was a big issue for us, since it is not the kind of money we can tackle ourselves at the moment. Parents on both side have the means to help, but it was a question of stepping on our pride and asking them. On either side, we are the significant hope for bringing grandchildren into the family, as I am an only child and Mr. A has only one sibling who looks like he may not procreate. So, the answer was how much do you need and when do you need it by. That was a relief, a blessing. We have been in touch with the DC practice and even had a phone consult with the doctor on Tuesday morning. We are in the process of booking a time to go down for our one-day visit to the clinic for early January.

There is so much more to write here, but the clock has struck the 12 strokes of mid...(well, it's actually 9:40pm) and I am about to turn into a pumpkin.

Sending warm congrats to Roccie who has just welcomed little baby Jay.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Transitions update

The month of November is now almost over, and I have not posted much at all. As I've said in my last posts, there have been many transitions. A little recap of the past month:
  • I finished my contract in FTT and finished it well. I completed all my reports and said all my goodbyes. It was difficult to leave. I had grown very attached to many people there. I miss them. I also miss the comfort of knowing how to work with different team members, and knowing the procedures. But boy, I really don't miss the part about living there part time and living at home on weekends. 
  • Mr. A and I went to Cuba. It was a restful time, just as I had hoped. By chance, we landed in a terrific resort. It was terrific because it was very small, very new, very beautiful, and very quiet. The loudest part was the bus ride to the resort with patrons of other resorts in the neighborhood. Luckily, we dropped those guys off next door, and carried on with the quiet people to our resort. The week consisted of swimming, lying on a lawn chair, reading, eating, drinking and taking multiple showers in the outdoor shower on our back balcony. We really liked the Cuban people and vowed to return to explore Havana and other parts of the country. The week went by very fast, but in the end, it was what we were looking for. As promised, here are my toes:
    An unlikely pink for a not-very-girly woman
  • We returned on Sunday November 13 and I started my new job on Monday the 14th. Quick turn around indeed. My new colleagues welcomed me warmly. I liked that. So far, it's been a slow start in terms of the work. I also like that, especially after the frenetic pace of the last job. I hope that I will like the work there, but if I don't, it will be time to look for another job in early next fall. 
  • Living at home is wonderful. Minus the morning and evening commute in heavy traffic. I am driving to work towards one of the largest cities in Canada, so there is traffic. Lots of it. Luckily, Neko, my beloved little car is doing very well with all of this driving. And there is the CBC (homologous to NPR) to keep me company. Chicken is still in disbelief that I am here day after day, and most importantly for her, night after night (she likes to basically sleep on me. She tries to sleep on Mr. A when I'm not here, but he won't tolerate that. Me, I'm a big softy). 
The update on fertility treatments/adoption/our marriage deserves a longer post, one that I don't have in me at the moment. Suffice it to say that I was relieved to hear that Mr. A is still completely on board with project: bringing children into our lives.  I have lots of half written posts floating around in my head. I think it's worth my while trying to give them form and post them. But that will have to wait since I have to work on my application to start the process of getting my professional license.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

the goodness in my life

I think a little while back I may have written something about searching for this very thing, the goodness in my life. I may just have thought it and not written, but it's been twirling around up there in my cerebrum.

I got an answer to that rhetorical question over the last week. I had been pouring all of the goodness I had inside me into my work. And my work gave back in a big way. My colleagues went over the top in showing how much they cared about me. They threw me a party, got me flowers, wrote me heartfelt cards, and told me that it just won't be the same without me. The principal of the school attached to our residential program even got me a certificate of merit, which he gives to the kids leaving the program. It moved me very much.

A gift from a beloved colleague

It was hardest to say goodbye to our team psychiatrist who is a beloved clinician at the facility, and has been a benefactor to me. When he heard I was looking for a job last summer, he wrote me a glowing unsolicited reference letter. It meant so much to me, and I re-read the letter at times when I feel my self-confidence waver.

It was also very hard to say goodbye to my friend Violet. She is a clinician on my team who I told about the pregnancy a few days before the ill-fated u/s that told us it was all over. Turns out she is an expert in grief, having lost several siblings in her family and gone through other losses over the last decade. She is the one who sent me home after the biopsy. She is the one who would make me laugh, and also let me cry. She is the one person at work who really understood the state I was in and how much I was holding while performing my duties at work. I will miss her.

And now it's time to pack my suitcase and head to Cuba. I will have drinks in your honour, dear women. I will be thinking of Jennifer who very recently had yet another tragic loss. I will thinking of CGD as she continues to navigate the dark, awful waters of marital strain. I will be thinking of Jess and hoping that an adoption placement materializes in the next week.  I will be thinking of Misfit and Ocho, as they continue together. I will hope that My New Normal experiences a very positive first ultrasound.

I will write when I return, with a picture of my freshly painted toenails in the white sand (you will remember my toenails from Pumpkin's picture of our feet in the Metro in Montréal).