Monday, May 10, 2010

the Robin

My honey and I moved into the house we are in on January 2. I desperately wanted to buy a house following the failure of our fertility treatments. I couldn't get my mind off it. I couldn't have a kid, well then, I at least wanted a house. I recognize it was with a sense of (desperate) grasping that I wanted a house. Then, it didn't seem possible, so I put it out of my mind, so-to-speak, until we had enough money to even consider it. A week later, we got wind that this couple we knew through friends were moving to Australia and wanted to rent their house. It took less than a week, and we had decided to come and live here.

It is nice to experience the house in Spring. There are lovely flowers that previous dwellers planted coming up all around the front and backyards. In the front of the house, there is also a porch with ceiling. On one of the ceiling posts, there is a robin that made a nest and she has been sitting on her eggs valiantly. On Friday, I felt truly angry at her, poor mama bird. What does there need to be a bird at my front door reminding me EVERY DAY of what my body cannot do and what I cannot have. Not enough that so many women around me are pregnant, that babies are being born to friends or colleagues weekly? Not enough that it's mother's day and that makes me sad? A mother bird had to come and sit on her eggs in my face!

Thankfully, that phase passed. I'm not angry anymore, as Ani would say. Today, I saw the baby robins for the first time. Two little heads with wide eyes, keeping watch for their mom. It's a miracle that they made it through the very cold and windy weather we had over the weekend. But there they are; healthy and happy. It's a miracle, and I can choose to see it or I can choose to be angry at it.

I guess that's a choice in a much larger sense. Do we let experiences close our hearts or do we allow our hearts to stay open despite the anguish of a broken heart. It feels like a hard waged battle in my case not to let my heart close up. I just know that if I do, I won't really be living anymore.